April 8, 2004

Am I a day late yall? I try to be consistent but we have been extra busy at exit; a lot of things to look forward to this year. I’ll mention these 2 things then I gotta get back to work.

#1 the power of worth has been on my mind lately. As we zoom further into this future that sees destroying a farm, paving it and putting up a Wal-Mart as progress, we see less and less of actual physical money… more and more of the symbols that represent it. You have as much as a blip on a screen tells you.

The responsibility falls on ourselves to define the worth of what we do. Can my worth be quantified? If so, how do I demand from the world what I feel I’m worth? How do I share my wealth? We need to collectively perceive wealth and worth through a completely different paradigm as times change.

#2 BIG EXTRA HIP HOP HOORAY shout out to the sisters at Spelman College for knowing their worth enough to organize a protest/demonstration questioning Nelly’s portrayal of women in his videos during his planned visit to their campus for a bone marrow drive. His foundation cancelled the appearance AND the drive itself. Here’s my question…What about the people who need the bone marrow transplants? I suppose to Nelly’s foundation, it wasn’t worth being questioned?

http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/content/music/0404/01nelly.html;COXnetJSessionID=A1VSexA6zuMoxZ3aN1yskMi2AKtlYLjflyz7LeIYrACk0sVohxdV!114335374?urac=n&urvf=10814477623650.22889680952613123

http://www.allhiphop.com/hiphopnews/?ID=3017

3/10/04

Today I saw a pimp waiting for a bus. What struck me about this pimp was not his bright purple suit with matching gators and hat but the fact that he had one leg and was in a wheel chair. That my friends is dedication.

by the way for situations such as this i have added a new acronym to the internet vocabulary which is “SMHSID” which stands for “Shaking My Head Silently In Disbelief”

Feb 2nd 2004

Selling your soul to the devil might actually be a great BUSINESS move. The only down side is you’ll have no soul.

January 26, 2004

At the MLK day festival last week, I got into a lot of conversations involving the words “they” and “we.” What I realized and mentioned in a couple of those conversations is that the power to change things can only come from changing that “we” to “I”.

For instance there was this young man that walked the entire length of the celebration very slowly with 2 scantly clad women (one black woman, one white) walking behind him. At first glance (and 2nd and 3rd and 70th) he appeared to be a pimp.

I say “appeared to be” because I don’t want to assume. Perhaps he was in a horrible fire the night before that consumed all of his clothes and the only place open before the festival was a costume shop. Perhaps the costume shop (Mid-January being so soon after Halloween) only had 3 outfits left, a pimp, a KKK member, and a clown… so he chose the less of 3 evils and came as a pimp. As for the 2 young ladies, perhaps they weren’t prostitutes at all, but his friends, who dressed up like that for moral support. Or, maybe he WAS a pimp and his miniature multiracial prostitute parade was his perverse interpretation of MLK’s dream.

What bothered me is that no one stopped him and said anything. What bothers me more is that “I” didn’t stop him. Whether or not he realized it, he made a statement that day and “I” didn’t. He’s in the back of my psyche and I’m not in his, and “I” only have me to blame. “We” must be as bold as “they.”

We/I need to start booing at poor performances

We/I need to pull poorly behaved children over and talk to them

We/I need to be less of a hermit so that people see alternatives

We/I need to need to be more pro active and practical in our day to day application of love on others,

We/I need to know that there are no small things all things matter.

The flip side of this story was that after the celebration, several teens gathered in the parking lot to battle. But not with violence – with dance!! It took me back to see that. It also took me back when I saw the po-po (police… duh) arrive. But to my surprise they looked the situation over and let it be. My wife and our homegirl went up to them and actually thanked them for treating our children like human beings. It’s important to tell po-po when they do the right thing. We need to be as bold as the truth.

jan 6th, 2004

For the first 4 nights of this year I wasn’t able to sleep. The first few nights, it was nightmares but a night ago I just couldn’t sleep. For some reason I was overwhelmed with doubt. I stayed up writing every bit of it into my journal.

The next day, after some serious meditation, a long talk with my Umi and a thorough rereading of this really cool book called Bullshit or Fertilizer, my head is on straight again.

I think what I failed to mention in the book is that “THE LEAP” is not a one shot deal. In your journey there will be many leaps, each harder than the last. I feel a shift and I’m about to make a couple of leaps this year. So perhaps that’s where all this chaos came from.

I share with you these pieces from my journal that night, only because I feel that you need to see I have doubts too. I feel that it’s just as informative for my readers to see what my doubt looks like, as it is to see my pep talks. Here are some of the highlights from my cathartic night. Enjoy:

- I remember someone telling me “sometimes you need to sit back and enjoy life” but in life it seems like being STILL is a sin. You’re not supposed to “enjoy” life, your supposed to “enjoy a movie” or “enjoy coca cola.” Consumption is meditation so I eat my words and wonder why I’m getting fat

- Part of me feels like f#%$ it. Perhaps the time has come to say “what’s so bad about giving up?” Get a regular ass J-O-B that pays me to press the buttons I’m supposed to press to get my little pellets of food. Listen to hot 97, believe what fox news tells me and watch the Oscars and believe everyone getting an award deserves one.

- Perhaps I’m not as talented as I think I am. Faith don’t pay the bills, neither does talent come to think of it.

- What makes a magician keep performing magic if he knows how all the tricks are done?

- I feel like gravity. No one ever says their prayers at night and thanks GOD (or whatever little invisible omnipotent being they believe in) for gravity. But it’s always there, invisible and working. No blockbuster movies are made about gravity. Nobody names their first born Gravity.

- I feel overlooked. I feel that the $ we get from what we do is not equivalent to the effort we put forth.

- It’s not a lack of faith in my abilities it’s a lack of faith in folks caring. The lyrics to “pop life” come to mind: “everybody can’t be on top” and that’s real. What if it’s just not my time to shine? I can actually deal with that, i just need to know.

- We are all just farting belching decaying pieces of electricaly charged hunks of flesh. That will all die. So why bother? What’s the point? Why is expession important? I knew an old lady who lived to be 100 & had alsheimers. All she could do at the end of her life was ask for apple juice while walking the length of her house butt naked. I was like damn! If you’re lucky you’ll end up like her and have kids to walk you into the next phase of existence. But my question is was her life pointless? All the achievements were only remembered once she was gone and she couldn’t remember them anyway. You can’t take it with you so…

- Hold up am I depressed? Is this depression? Lord I hope not… I don’t think I can afford it.

- I’m tired of having to explain myself. I’m tired of haters. I’m tired of paying dues. I’m tired of feeling overlooked. I’m tired of bring tired. I’m tired of caring so much about everything. I’m tired of people calling how we live “a risk and a gamble” I’m tired of proving people wrong. I’m tired of rent. I’m tired of mediocracy. I’m tired of being awake.

november 28 2003

every year around this time, i end up having to answer that question for a family member who still doesn’t get it. i hate that question. it seems to prioritize work before life itself. this years answer is: ‘i breathe for a living.’

what i’ve been learning of late is, to be comfortable as a self-employed artist, you’re going to need a healthy amount of overconfidence… something slightly beyond just believing in yourself and more along the lines of pure arrogance in your abilities. it’s a commodity that you cannot fake or purchase. if you walk into a place looking to be put on and your work says “i’m a genius” but your face says “i’m insecure”… guess what? no job.

there’s simply no room for doubt. for anyone to believe in you, you must first believe in yourself.

October 19, 2003

We all want and need to be liked, to some extent. When we create work, we try to do our best, and hope that people like it. But one of my biggest hurdles of recent is getting over that need. I’ve had to remind myself that people liking you has nothing to do with you.

A lot of the people I admired and looked up to growing up were not liked in their time, or even their lifetimes. Muhammad Ali, Van Gogh, Malcolm X, Jimi Hendrix, and many others took strong political or artistic stances that we admire today, but in their time, were widely unliked.

Wanting to be liked can become a trap. Everything has suffered for this need for acceptance… music, movies, politics. No one says the unpopular thing in fear that they will not be liked. No one takes the risk of being themselves, in fear that their truth is too ‘ugly’ for mass consumption.

Not many people like the truth. Fewer still might like yours! And so what? The question is would you like yourself (and your work) if no one else did?

It’s your imperfections that make you perfect. It’s the things that you do wrong that give you character. If every one likes what you do it’s probably a piece of s***. Don’t believe me…think of all the stuff out there that everyone likes.

8/7/03

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. –That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

–the Declaration of Independence

7/14/03

I got this jewel from my mom the other day. She said when she goes to work she takes her time on the highway, stays patient, and never changes lanes no matter what the traffic is doing. She remembers how she used to change lanes frequently, and dodge in and out. Now she sees people do that and they always end up behind her. Everyone always tries to get ahead by cutting other folks off and getting into any clear space they see. But when every one moves to the clear lane, that lane then becomes crowded. And presently, the lane she is in becomes free and advancement is possible.

Stay focused, be patient, stay in the lane you’re in.

7/02/03

2 weeks ago, I went to see a friend of mine perform, and after the performance my bike was stolen. This is after having many opportunities to leave, checking on it twice, and turning down a ride home. This is the same bike that got me fit for the summer, the one that I bought with the “BS or F printed in Japanese” money. It was at least 12:00 am & there I was, stuck with few options.

The surprise for me was I wasn’t fazed, not a bit. When I got home that morning I almost forgot to tell Jamyla. I just couldn’t muster emotion over a thing. It was really wonderful to discover that about myself. I figured I did my part: I locked it up. But it’s not mine. None of this is… your sight, your hearing, your ability to speak, your strength… all these things will be taken from you in time. There is only right now, and right now I’m chillin.

It was a great lesson about priorites and possession, but more than that it brought me to a theme that has been constant in my meditation of late. To look for teachers. They are all around you. Sometimes they don’t have your best interests in mind, but they still teach you about yourself so thank them if you can.

So to the person who has the bike, I’d like to say thank you for that moment, and the left hand brake needs to be tightened