A friend of mine told me that I need to “dream bigger.”
She was right, it’s a common trap.
We (as adults) often can’t see past the restrictions that experience has handed us thought the years. We dream with limits. Dream, and let the world limit you if it can.

The other thing you need to practice is having your own dream. If you wish for something someone else wants you will never be at peace.

6/15/06
Here we are with summer around the corner and you know what that means. It’s WEDDING SEASON!

As fate would have it i was looking through old folders on my computer and came across the outline for what was to be the follow up book to “bullshit or fertilizer” its called “the Book of LIKE: know hard feelings” and it’s about love & relationships, approached with the same no bullshit tactics as the 1st book. i chose not to release it because at the time i felt that would be a bit obnoxious to assume what works for me is THE right way. i gathered that from the opening disclaimer, which is so far one of the longest and most fully written sections of the book. i am by no means an expert however what is compiled is (in my opinion) some really great collected wisdom.

well in the intervening years between writing and rediscovering this material, i have been blessed to be privy to a lot of sob stories dealing with relationships. knowing that not everything works for everyboby and that i am still entitled to my opinion, i have chosen to release the book. i can only hope this book does for relationships whats BS or F did for those on the hustle: support, affirm, inspire, and make folks think. i have alot of rewriting and editing to do, not to mention some illustrations but my goal is to have it out by Valentines day 2007.

i humbly ask those of you who read this blog to hit me up (here or at info-at-exittheapple.com) with ideas, questions, or situations that you feel would be worth addressing in such a volume.

here’s a quick nugget: if you’re thinking about getting married, and you’re still asking if you should? then you probably shouldn’t.

4/17/06

Over the past few months I’ve been watching several historical films that deal with race in America (a solders story, crazy in Alabama, glory, in the heat of the night) and at the same time have been mulling over in my head the use by both public figures, my friends and myself of the word “nigga”

What is it about that word that’s so attractive?

Why is it ok to say it on TV and you cant say “shit?”

It’s supposed to be such an ugly word but it feels like it’s becoming increasingly common in our pop culture. My mind instantly flashes to a club that my friend took me to that was populated primarily with white people who where all dancing and having a good time and then the DJ spun the #1 song in America at the time which was “gold digger” by Kanye West. Everyone went crazy, as was the tradition at the time and started singing the song VERY LOUD! Tension built as the hook approached and to every ones credit no one said “nigger” but Kanye.

Which brings me to the question why? Why is ok for any one to use it? I mean, sure we can say whatever we want I’m not challenging that. I’m challenging the hypocrisy of it being called an ugly word but still being used casually. I don’t know how many interviews and talk show appearances I have heard people/artists say “when you use it enough it takes the power out of it” or “we use it for a term of endearment”

2 thoughts run through my mind
#1 we still got a lot of healing to do(not just black but this entire country)
#2 we are not being creative enough.

There were several words besides “nigger” that were used to denigrate and demean us that I feel should be used more often until the power is taken out of them, as well. Here’s a short list
- spade
- jigga bo
- tar baby
- egg plant
- spook
- sambo
- chimp
- ape
- snow flake
- spear chucker
- booty scratcher
- coon

Really try substituting those words in your mind for how you’ve herd the word nigga used.
“yo, that’s my Jigga bo”
“where my tar babies at?”
“all the real fly coons throw your hands up”
“ I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger be she ain’t messing wit’ no broke spear chuckers”
See. Its got a little sting to it that I think “nigger” has lost…and if all else fails emphasize the “ER” that was at the end of “nigga” before it was dropped for the “A”

An oscar, apparently.

Before I rant, let me just say that 90% of everything is bullshit. I forgot who told me that but it holds true. Test it if you don’t believe me. It’s probably why I have such a small circle of friends. That thought rang thought my head along with the last note to the Oscar award winning song as performed that night. “It’s hard out here for a pimp.” As she held that note my heart shattered like a wine glass.

Yall, I didn’t plan to watch the award show. The house was a mess and we decided
to put on the TV as background noise as we cleaned up. We happened to pass the tv at the same time as the performance began, complete with choreographed pimps whores and Johns. We both watched in AWE as they won an award. And then, QUEEN Latifah – your name cant get more black than that – the author of ladies first, and UNITY) followed them to present an award and said nothing to acknowledge the sickness that preceeded.

Now the Oscars are not my show so they can award whom ever they please, however it was crazy to see that mythology affirmed in such a global public way.

Quick query. Why don’t “conscious” rappers get in to battles with corporate sponsored “gangsta” rappers? Oh and just so no one says I didn’t offer an alternative…if you still listen to hip-hop and want to hear some thing gangsta, check out Immortal Technique.

Bush (and all of the corporate sponsored politicians) knew about Katrina. It’s on video tape. So stay focused… an Oscar pales in comparison to the crimes that are being committed in this country daily. We must value ourselves and our image. No one feels compassion for a pimp no matter how hard out there it is for him. Let’s broaden our mythology so next time (omnipotent life force forbid) we are wading though water looking for food to survive, we are not labeled looters.

First Octavia passes and now this? “Are we living in Parable of the Sower already? Was my first thought. Then my next thought was “perhaps I should douse myself in gasoline and set myself on fire” BUT with the price of gas being so crazy right now I would hate to waste that on little ole me. My very next thought went to what am I doing artistically right now?

Then I thought, well we do have EXITTHEAPPLE. But sometimes I feel dwarfed by the corporate sponsored rap group that is only a drop in the ocean of wack shit out there representing us. For as many people as there are who come though this site, more connections should be made. I KNOW for a fact that there are folks who come to this site or attend our events whose life works compliment each other but never cross paths.

And I’m guilty of over working and never acknowleding that stuff has actually been done. And people do meet and accomplish things so to that end I do want to thank those of you who do put forth the effort and occasionally shout us out. It helps…however what do we do NOW?

Right now I’m going to finish these scripts I’ve been working on.
As for you my fellow exiters/nerds ask yourself what have you done, what can you do, and are you part of the 90%? Be honest. No pain no gain. The struggle continues.
Peace

first of all i really want to thank all of those who showed up and danced HARD through the night at the first gig i ever spun in maryland. we will continue to do it at that spot on the 1st Saturday of every month. more info is here; click for it.

a book store just opened up in our neighborhood and me and my wife went and spent hours buying new books. walking home from the store with the heavy books I started thinking about what an amazing thing it is to be able to read. And how at one time in this county it was ILLEGAL for blacks to read; in some cases an offense punishable by death.

So when I got home started reading everything, every little thing I could. I came across a manual for a vacuum cleaner we just got and to my surprise I came across the following quote:

“The cords, wires and/or cables supplied with the product contain chemicals, including lead or lead compounds, known to the state of california to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. Wash hands after using.”

WTF!!!!! wash my hands after using my vacuum? needless to say it is sitting on the curb awaiting trash pick up

on martin luther king day i decided to read the 13th amendment. and something stood out to me

“Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, EXCEPT as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.”

EXCEPT? WTF!!! it made me think about the prison industrial complex and how many of us that have been put through the system don’t even have the right to vote. i think the # is something like 13%

then for some reason i thought about lil kim. i don’t know why but i felt the need to write her. i also thought alot about how important celebrity has become and I’ve always felt like fame/celebrity was such a weird American construct and also how important it has been to black folks.

I’ve always wanted to have a group called “RAB” – Regular Ass Blackfolk. our mission would be to befriend folks as they get more popular and keep them grounded. invite them to our houses, where they would sleep on the couch, send them to the bodega for some chips and make fun of their clothing; but most importantly just talk to them and listen honestly. I am going to write her… not sure what. Whatever it is it’s going to be kind. No self righteous bullshit just whatever’s on my mind. If you want to write her here’s the address:

Kimberly Jones 56198-054
FDC Philadelphia
Federal Detention Center
P.O. BOX 562
Philadelphia, PA 19106

Then yesterday george w bush appoints a judge to the highest court of the land for the sole purpose of reversing roe vs wade; the next day Coretta Scott King dies. i think that means something. Those of you who don’t think they can outlaw women’s right to choose forget that women only recently got the right to vote. Read between the lines.

ps if anyone has abbey lincoln’s info holla

12/9/05

Today I woke up to a banging on my door. Not your normal Jehovah witness, UPS drop off polite knocking. Its was a heavy side of your fist Poe Poe drug bust knocking. This was the first sound I heard this morning at 300:00 that’s right folks 300:00 I didn’t even know that such an hour existed until this morning.

Apparently some young “entrepreneur” was roaming the neighborhood (with a DIGGING shovel) offing his snow shoveling skills for a small fee. Which I’m all for.
However I am a new homeowner and this is my first snow so I got dressed got my bright orange SNOW shovel and went to shovel my walk way. On my way out I saw the young man shoveling my neighbors walk. I being a new person in the neighborhood, wanting to show good will and that I wasn’t bitter about the pounding he put on my door turned to him and said “hey, good morning” I waved and smiled and every thing.

his reaction: This kid ICE grilled me like I threw dodo at his mama. I got so pissed that he looked at me like that, that after I finished shoveling my walk way I shoveled the walkway of the next 3 houses and wrecked his whole hustle. I was actually done with those 3 and my own before he was done with his one. The smile that I gave him while walking into my house and tapping the excess snow off my boots …priceless.

July 4th 2005

I finally got the courage to watch “Hotel Rwanda” last night. I followed that story in the news when it was happening and it was hard to deal with then. Hard to read and then digest as reality. It’s hard to imagine somewhere in the world shit like that is still going on. Needless to say I had some ill nightmares last night. It was happening here and the warring factions were gangs and of course there were people trapped in the middle and I was one. All these MCs were on the radio encouraging the killing and it was all the gangs would listen to. There was no Paul Ruesesabagina to negotiate for lives, there was no safe space – as often there is not. I won’t get into details as those of you who actually read this blog from time to time are probably tired of reading about my personal slice of ‘uglies’ in my world.

Ask yourself this question this 4th of July. When was it ever not an ugly time in human existence? Horror exists, it seems weather we choose to pay attention to it or not. Perhaps it serves some greater functions that we don’t see but regardless there it is.

2 things really quickly before I change the subject dramatically – #1. there is a line in the national anthem that says “…the bombs bursting in air gave proof through the night that the flag was still there” do you know how many fucking bombs have to go off to see something through an entire night? #2 there was a song during the credits of “Hotel Rwanda” that made my jaw drop almost as much as some parts of the movie. It was a song by Wyclef and in the song he said “if America is the United States of America why cant Africa be the united states of Africa? and if England is the United Kingdom why cant Africa unite all its Kingdoms and become the United Kingdom of Africa”.

Is he not aware that this county was attained by genocide that till this day is not historically dealt with fully? Actually it was started by people from the United Kingdom who enslaved, tortured and conquered people all around the world – not just here. ACTUALLY it’s the reason I speak and write English and can’t even dream in a language native to where any of my people are from. ACTUALLY I don’t want to go into how wack that line was (to me)… I should try to see the positive in everything. I think he was trying to just say ‘Africa Unite’… however it was poorly executed.

Hey at least it wasn’t him putting his energy into a line like “it’s hard out here for a pimp”

pimping is illegal… shouldnt it be hard?

A friend of mine went to a FREE screening of “Hustle and Flow” and not only does she want her money back (LOL) but she said that it was so sad that it’s worth REopening our “why black folks aint gonna rise” file. For those of you who aren’t in on the joke, the “why black folks aint gonna rise” file was an actual file that us and some of our friends kept where we collected things created by black folks or about black folks that we felt did more harm than good (in our opinion) and couldn’t believe existed in this day and time.

OK so let me end this blog with something WACK about ME and then something happy.

I realized this past week that I’m really vain. I DJ’d at a club a couple of weeks ago and usually I shave my mustache off. The gig went great, some days passed and I got an ingrown hair on the rim of my lip that was unpopable. I know this because I squeezed it in every direction which only made it red and big, real big. It looked like a giant herpe and it changed my whole attitude. I was even hesitant to go out cause I knew I would feel obligated to explain that what was on my lip was not contagious and folks can greet me affectionately without fear. It has since gone through the stages of pimpledom and is on its way out but I was amazed at how something so small can change your life.

The last thing I’ll leave yall with is that recently me and my wife celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary and almost didn’t notice. Its been great fun. It still feels like one big sleepover. Neither of us is really that into remembering dates but we’re happy – more so than either of us thought possible. I suppose I can balance the statement made earlier by saying: When in history hasn’t love and happiness shined through the darkness and colored our human experience for the better? There has always been that, weather we choose to see it or not.

I suppose recognizing the balance between what’s ugly and what’s beautiful is what makes each so.

3/8/05
I was looking through some old video tapes and their was one that caught my attention. It was a show about animals that “went wild” their was a clip of an elephant that broke out of a circus, ran into the streets and proceeded to stomp everybody out. They had to damn near bring out the army out to stop him/her.
What immediately crossed my mind was how do you capture and “domesticate” an ELEPHANT in the first place?

I was told that that if they are not born into captivity they hunt and kill the parents. Then they take the baby and tie it to an immoveable object (a giant tree, a wall) with the heaviest chain they could find. As it grows and feels as though there is no use in trying to escape you need no longer put a heavy chain and attach it to a wall. All you need do is use a rope and attach it to a stick in the ground and it usually won’t give you a problem.

I can’t seem to get that out idea out of my head.

1/10/05

If you haven’t this year yet, you should be quiet. If you get a chance, take a day to yourself and don’t talk all day. It’s actually fun.

There is alot of power in words that i think are taken for granted. Often times, i feel we speak realities into existance with out forethought. That can be dangerous if we tend to be self-deprecating.

In my quiet time last week, i chose to reflect on the fact that our collective memory is very short when it comes to suffering in the world. Remember Somalia, remember Rwanda, remember our troops, remember AIDS, remember child labor and sweat shops? Remember Chernobyl, remember the homeless, remember geneticly altered foods? Remember the election, remember reperations, remember the Unibomber, remember Columbine, remember South Africa, remember Haiti? It seems at times that if it’s not a focus of this crooked mass media it’s not in our psyche. We have to keep in mind that we are part of all the joy and suffering in this world. We have to choose to reflect on it whether or not it’s on the front page.

in other news… can someone help me think of a nickname for this decade? it’s already half over and i still don’t know what to call it. the “Millies” sounds stupid, the “2K’s” is no better. ok…i’ll shut up now

happy new year!

April 8, 2004

Am I a day late yall? I try to be consistent but we have been extra busy at exit; a lot of things to look forward to this year. I’ll mention these 2 things then I gotta get back to work.

#1 the power of worth has been on my mind lately. As we zoom further into this future that sees destroying a farm, paving it and putting up a Wal-Mart as progress, we see less and less of actual physical money… more and more of the symbols that represent it. You have as much as a blip on a screen tells you.

The responsibility falls on ourselves to define the worth of what we do. Can my worth be quantified? If so, how do I demand from the world what I feel I’m worth? How do I share my wealth? We need to collectively perceive wealth and worth through a completely different paradigm as times change.

#2 BIG EXTRA HIP HOP HOORAY shout out to the sisters at Spelman College for knowing their worth enough to organize a protest/demonstration questioning Nelly’s portrayal of women in his videos during his planned visit to their campus for a bone marrow drive. His foundation cancelled the appearance AND the drive itself. Here’s my question…What about the people who need the bone marrow transplants? I suppose to Nelly’s foundation, it wasn’t worth being questioned?

http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/content/music/0404/01nelly.html;COXnetJSessionID=A1VSexA6zuMoxZ3aN1yskMi2AKtlYLjflyz7LeIYrACk0sVohxdV!114335374?urac=n&urvf=10814477623650.22889680952613123

http://www.allhiphop.com/hiphopnews/?ID=3017