My wife is pro cloth diapers. Part of her reasoning is that it’s better for the environment. How it works is that there is an outer layer that’s waterproof, and the inner cloth layer that gets soiled. Then you toss that soiled diaper into a special bin. A bin full of crappy diapers… in your house. Then some one comes by once a week to pick up the crappy diapers and replace them with new ones. Like a milkman but for piss and feces. I actually met this person - he seemed to be very pleasant considering his job and I’m sure there is a special place in heaven for these people right next to the dermatologists or the sick puppies section. However I didn’t shake his hand. [Read more]

There are many things that they don’t tell you when you have a child.
Here is a short list

- they have hair on their back
- they are super ugly (more about that in another blog)
- that “baby smell” that everyone loves so much is made up of one part mothers milk 2 parts mother’s arm pit.
- they can’t read
- they never quite catch up to their color at the tips of their ears
- the first words you whisper into your child’s ear should not be “you owe me”
- a infant can squirt pee up to 40 feet in a straight line before it starts to arc
- when they start to laugh they will be your best audience because at the end of the day if you have nothing else you can just jingle your keys.

here is a stand up routine for babies that you can use.
[Read more]

DON’T!
Don’t you ever touch someone’s baby!
Unless given specific permission, don’t do it.
Let me be more specific.
DON’T TOUCH MY BABY!

Look, I don’t know where your hands have been. You might have just come out of a public restroom and god forbid your finger broke through the thin public restroom toilet tissue when you cleaned yourself. Assuming you do that. Then when other people are in there with you, you pretend to wash your hands but it doesn’t matter cause you touched that dirty door knob on the way out. This is the stuff that runs though my mind when your smiling face approaches wanting to touch my child.

Exception: Old women CAN touch my baby. I love when old women touch my baby. The things they say are so beautiful and wise. However …old men. YOU CAN NOT TOUCH MY BABY. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. This old man tried to touch my baby at the farmers market… I saw him coming a mile away with my newly parental super powers. It wasn’t so much that he was old but he was nasty. Like he had that old man skin disease, scaly, scabby undefined old MJ thriller S#!@ all over his forearms and he tried to smile as he was reaching in. I abruptly stared into his eyes and burned his soul then I turned the baby in the other direction. His potential grope tuned into a congratulations to which I responded with a giddy school girl “thank you.”

A friend of mine told me a horror story about when her child was small, random folks would try to kiss her. I asked, what did you do? She said she told them that the baby was sick. That seemed to work. I think I’ll just go that extra mile and tell them he has baby herpes or really bad breath.