- dear white cat. Please just give it up. No matter how slow you creep or how fast you pounce they see you coming a mile away. I hate to sound racist, but yes it’s because you’re white. you stand out against almost any background. PS the sound you hear as they fly away is not chirping it’s laughter.

- note to self: when you fall down in public again (and you will fall down in public again) DO NOT pop back up as fast as you can! Laughter directed at your pain and ripped clothing hurts your feelings instead… lie motionless for as long as possible hold your breath and when you can no longer do that roll your eyes to the top of your head and twitch violently till some one calls the ambulance. If you can muster up some drool that’s a plus. Then when you hear the paramedics, that’s when you pop up as fast as you can, dust yourself off and walk through the crowd surrounding you and off into the sunset. PS Remember to wipe the drool off.

- dear wife: 10 years! WOW that’s cool. but isn’t it kind of random how they only make a big deal on anniversaries that are divisible by 5?  I say after this, let’s celebrate on years that are prime numbers.

- dear guy with one eye working at that place: I would think (seeing as how someone poked out your eye and you have no depth perception and you wouldn’t make a good eye witness and no one is really gonna see what your saying) that you would be a nicer less rude person…oh well guess I was wrong. I got my eye on you.
- Dear conspiracy theory documentarians: Are there any big organizations that work and do good?

- dear everyone at every store I’ve ever been in,  No I don’t work here!

- dear son “NO”does not mean look at me smile and then proceed to do what ever wrong thing you were doing, faster.
- dear doubt F%$@ you and anyone that look like you!
- dear men who try to pick up women on the street with that weak game: STOP! Seriously please. She hears you! she just is not listening to you. I’m am convinced that there is a legend of a man who did this sometime in the late 1700’s and went on to have the most amazing love affair that ever existed. I’m also convinced that every man that tries  to hit on a woman in this manner is either young & ignorant, has more ‘hope’ than the obama campaign, or has heard this amazing myth. who has this ever worked on, and would you really want anything from a woman that responded to your barking upon first call?  I just don’t get it. it’s summer time in the new millennium fellas step your game UP.

- dear professional athletes why don’t losers thank god at the end of games? Here is a short list of things to be thankful for, getting paid millions to play a game, the humility of losing that builds character, those nice sneakers you have on… im sure you and your loser friends can think of more
- dear producers of random crap and bad packaging please  stop making unnecessarily hard to open non biodegradable packaging for simple things then tell me I’m polluting the planet. Do your part.

- Dear any one who finds themselves saying “I’m a grown ass man/woman,” ponder this: When you see a guy in knee high socks with cleats on and a baseball cap holding a bat and swinging it at a ball with outquestion that’s a …come on…say it…yes that’s a baseball player. That person never has to yell up to the stands that he is indeed a baseball player. Let me make it plain I think what’s confusing people are one of 3 things. where you are, what you’re wearing or how you’re acting. Next time you feel the need to say that phrase check one of those 3 things take a deep breath then ask yourself if you need to go home change your clothes, not be where you are and or put some bass in your speaking voice.
- dear children I’m sorry adults run everything and nothing works. I swear some of us are really trying hard…my advice is to  have the good sense to create your own mistakes and don’t repeat ours.