- Dear late 80’s early 90’s r&b group, I cant really sing but if I can dress up like you, learn the choreography and just be the guy that says “whooooooo” at the end of the breakdown of a slow song ill be eternally grateful.
- Dear person who says “ValenTimes day” instead of ‘Valentines day’ you should officially receive nothing on this day as you are not pronouncing it correctly. Instead, you should have a holiday called “ValenTimes day”where you receive the empty wrappers of candy and presents from those who do pronounce it correctly.
- Dear fluffer, you are the unsung hero. I salute you from a distance with my clean hand LOL
- Note to self: its ok when asked about your weight to say your putting on pounds for a role in a film.
- Dear pseudo righteous poet type dude, I don’t think here in public is the best place for the ” do you know how good an enema is for you” conversation. PS please stop calling my son “my seed” its just feels weird.
- Dear rasta I’m curious. In my youth I probably devoured  enough chew sticks to decimate a rainforest and build low income log cabin housing for the inner city.  But I still don’t know where chewsticks are made and how they are flavored. Do you?
- Dear swimsuit photographers first I want to thank for your years of soft porn exploitation of women. Its good to know that with all the progress woman have made over the past 100 years in politics, professionally and in sports that they are guaranteed a cover at least once a year for an under valued sport such as swimsuit wearing and rolling in the sand.  which brings me to the point of my letter. The sand. I don’t understand the sand attached to the booty and or breasts of a scantly clad woman. If you carry that concept on to its obvious conclusion it becomes quite a painful fantasy, think about it.
- Dear users of my bathroom of the #2 variety , that matches, spray and incense only work if you use it. this is not the time to be pensive go for it please might I recommend the matches and the incense the spray really doesn’t mask as much as it accents/flavors
- Dear conscious child haver you telling me that your childs name if African is like me asking you what food are you eating and you say supermaket food, your going to have to be more specific
- Dear anxious lovers If you have to ask me if you should get married you probably shouldn’t
- Dear top of my head dude just go bald. Please don’t just be kind of thin in a really small spot. Cause now I have to adjust the rest of my hair game to keep pace with you. if you were bald I could grow a respectable fronut like brother Cornel West or do the baldie thing. I need you to pick a team so I can play
- Note to self : Self doubt is domestic abuse
- dear cop on segway if I let you arrest me would you let me ride on the handle bars on the way to the precinct?
- Dear singers writers and performers of the oscar award winning song “its hard out here for a pimp”. Its supposed to hard from a pimp. Pimping is actually a crime. I hate the fact that it’s a crime that gets so much love. No other crime gets a song complaining about how hard it is. No one sings how hard it is to be a rapist or a person who doesn’t pay child support.and you will never see a show called “Pedophile my ride”
- Dear large when did you become medium
- Dear Xlarge when did you become xtra medium
- Dear seeker of answers, don’t take anyone’s advice
- Dear son, I kind of admire you not just because you’re my son and your wonderful but anyone who can smile while taking a crap standing up you have to admire