the following are excerpts and  selections from my 7 month old son’s first manuscript, entitled “the early months: a retrospective on my first year.”
- note to self: mommy nipple nutritious daddy nipple not so much
- I need to find out who is hitting me in the head and pulling my hair when I’m trying to sleep. 9 to 1 my money is on the other guy in bed.
- I’m studying them. I take time when I’m nursing to get a feel for the food filled one that I have lovingly nicknamed TOBY. As for the hairy faced one, I used my poop as a Rorschach test to observe his reaction. My analysis is that he seems a bit eager to please and heavy handed …dude you’re not washing a car they are called towelettes have some class, point your pinky up when you wipe.
- My Umi has yet to tell me to “shine my light on the world”
- I really need to get over these past life issues. These poor people think I’m crying for no reason.
- My feet taste delicious, I really think I’ve found my vice
- These cheeks are garnering me too much attention they are like cleavage on my face. Perhaps if I try to stick my entire fist in my mouth folks will lose interest.
- Note about the one called “Daddy” : This guy is funny …the way he shakes those keys is hilarious like Dane Cook but with more of a point to his jokes.
- I keep trying to tell people what I’m thinking but it all comes out as screams and grunts. My secondary plans to code it in my feces have been thwarted. Every time I put together a message they just fold it up and toss it.
- Today I have seen the face of god and his name is “chicken dance elmo”
- So we are at the supermarket again today or as I like to call it “the valley of things I can’t touch”  and it happened again …people dancing and acting goofy for me. I smiled politely hoping they would stop but it seemed to encourage them further.
- My gums are killing me.
- Mr daddy seems to forget who’s the boss. He made me wear this shirt saying how much I love him when in reality I’ve only known him a couple of months. Perhaps I’ll make him clean my poop then make his wife half strip in a public place to give me sustenance.
- They are trying to drive me mad they sent 3 operatives disguised as bears. They hang above me in this contraption they call a “basinet” and stare at me. They are not close enough to touch and just far enough away to engage me in their soul less gaze. And I swear before Chicken Dance Elmo if they play that “lullaby” song again I’ll make their life a living hell 14 years from now
- Milk, milk its good for your heart the more you eat it the more you fart
- Started work on my first poem entitled Ode to the boobie: roses are red, violets are blue but I’m not sure cause I really can’t see color too good yet. Also I don’t really have a good enough mastery of the language to make this thing rhyme…got to work on that one
- Today I found out who has been scratching me up, pulling my hair and punching me in the face when I try to sleep…its been me! I owe that big guy an apology.
- This guy is ok,  “love” is a strong word but I like him a lot and he has warm hands and he lets me pull and drool in his beard. I think we can agree to share “mommy” yeah… I take that back, I think I love him. I think I’ll scream that in his ear tomorrow morning right before the sun comes up.