baby steps episode 9: “Maybe”
Today, my baby snatched my glasses off, grabbed my beard and screamed/laughed half an inch from my face. First thought that went into my mind was, oh my God, what if he’s a jerk? Maybe he is a jerk. Maybe, I’m the father of jerk.
Or maybe he’s a drunkard. Clearly he likes to drink and hasn’t stopped a day in his short life.
Last time I changed him he peed on me then smiled … maybe he’s a freak?
Maybe he likes to be naked in front of guys.
Maybe he’s gay. …And that’s fine…
Oh no – now do I sound like I’m belittling his life choice?
Now he’s going to be a poet & I’m going to be the subject of all his awful poetry: “If he/she can’t use the comb don’t bring her/him home.”
Oh damn now he’s racist and a hairist.
Maybe he’ll fall in love with a dark Indian with straight hair that actually can’t use the comb. Or perhaps she has no arms…oh wait what if she’s bald because of chemo?
God, now I hate me. He brings over his armless bald Indian girlfriend recovering from cancer to meet the parents and what do I do. I judge.
Even I want to write a poem about how much I hate me.
Wait maybe he rebels against art – and his own soul – and becomes a black republican.
Maybe he can’t dance or has bad taste in music
I’ll just spoil him with tons of great music. I’ll play it while he eats
So he remembers it. But last time he was breastfeeding he looked up at me and smiled. Maybe he’s a womanizer who cheats cause he feels privileged and spoiled. I swear if he cheats on that nice Indian girl I’ll kick him out the house. Maybe he’ll be homeless! What if he’s that stereotypical Hollywood homeless dude who’s wise and tells bad jokes like “what’s brown and rhymes with snoop” …. “DR DRE” and then laughs to himself loudly.
Perhaps he will lead an army of homeless people in the next great American revolution. The haves against the have nots. perhaps he’ll be a peaceful guy like Martin Luther King or Ghandi or Jesus and get killed violently.
What if I discipline him too harshly? Then I’d have to live with the fact that I just beat Martin Luther King and sent him to his room and restricted him from playstation 6 for a week.
But what if he’s an evil dictator …I should probably beat him all the time just on GP. What if he becomes a thug. He does have a tendency to sag his pants so that his diaper is exposed.
Maybe I’m paranoid
Maybe nothing we do can change who he is destined to be.
He’s like an arrow I shot forth into the world
(and maybe the people who wrote the book “the prophet” won’t sue me for copyright infringement)
Maybe I shouldn’t care how much I kiss him in public
Maybe I should kiss him more so people see what loving your child looks like
Maybe he hates being kissed
Maybe I should just cherish him right now
Before he can talk
4 Comments, Comment or Ping
Rashida
First of all, dude, you’ve met my kid…if any boy has a chance of being a jerk it’s definitely mine. We all know I gave birth to baby stewie, he’s secretly plotting to kill me with a ray gun he’s constructing.
Second, I’ve been thinking about this too and I just think about my siblings and I. Of the 4 of us that were raised together, we got a super-intelligent thug, a super-intelligent womanizer, a super-intelligent businesswoman, and me, a super-intelligent hippie. We’re all terribly different but the core values are the same; we’re really good people, we believe in the value of lifelong learning and education, we love our individual families, and we love each other fiercely.
You and J have no worries, that li’l cutie is gonna have a wicked sense of humor, way too many shoes, lots of hair, and his own collection of books and albums (yes, albums-vinyl).
And give him lots of loud smacking kisses in public! Trust me.
Sep 23rd, 2008
steve
That was beautiful. I read the whole thing.
Loved it.
Straight out of your brain onto the cellophane.
Sep 23rd, 2008
Antonee Darby
This is by the far the most inspirational and spot-on piece I have read in the vein of parent anxiety that I have read in my 10 mos. of parenting. Thank you for this. Really. Thank you.
Sep 27th, 2008
Jenga!
really enjoyed this one, Pete. stream of consciousness and sorta unrelated, but it reminds me of the time I saw “Shaun Of The Dead” when I was pregnant… and had this moment of irrational fear that might child might be a zombie! lol. then what would i do?
really though… it speaks to a parent’s fear that the child might become something we don’t want, something dangerous or scary… i used to fear (and still do kinda) that my daughter would become this ultra-conservative mainstream patriotic person…….. ugh, why did i even put that out there. BUT the other side of that is that walking through that fear means that you acknowledge your child is her/his own person and that you really have no control… and you’re okay with that. you’re honoring your child’s individuality. you just focus on being the best example you can be, and giving your baby your all, and let the chips fall where they may (hoping that they don’t fall into anything undesirable).
anyway, this was a great read!
Oct 10th, 2008
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