For a long time my baby was NOT cute. I actually applauded my wife for feeding him. Nature’s trick seems to be that as the responsibility and complexity of this parenting gig grows, the cuteness of the kid grows, too. I’m scared because he’s getting cuter by the day and if his newly flavored farts are any indication, this changing diapers thing alone is about to go to a whole new level.

My messy diapers system is well strategized: I classify them in order from easiest to hardest. For future reference, be sure to multiply each # by about 3 to know how many baby wipes to use.

1. THE WET ONE: This one builds the most confidence as it’s the easiest to handle.

2. THE SKIDS: This one is also pretty easy. It’s more a colorful fart than an actual #2.

3. R.KELLY’S REVENGE: This is when the child pees on you. This is going to happen. There is no avoiding it. I’m sorry, it’s just part of the job.

4. (The Classic) POO POO PANTS aka cookie dough aka honey mustard: This is what makes you a parent.

5. THE OPENING ACT: This one comes after a series of body contortions (think Joe Crocker singing “You are so beautiful to me.”) It’s not that special till you realize that it’s part of a series.

6. THE MAIN EVENT: This one follows on the heels of the opening act, often after the ‘curtain call’ of a successful diaper change. Like a surprise guest at the end of a concert, it’s a little something extra for all those in attendance.

7. THE ENCORE: just like in a real concert, sometimes they come back for 3 or 4 of these, often pulling out the pyrotechnics, the extra dancers… they just keep hitting the stage for more unrehearsed glory. In this category is the poop that goes up the back of the diaper or down a leg of a poorly put together diaper. This can be a shot to your confidence, especially if you were the one responsible for not putting on the diaper properly.

8. THE “#%$@ IT”:

aka “Oh the Humanity”

aka “how did all that come out of you”

aka “shaking your head silently in disbelief”

aka “whispering the name of an omnipotent being”

aka “the x-files”

This is the one no one sees coming. This is the one you pray never happens to you in public. This one is so bad your child doesn’t even cry, he just sits in its warmth and stares off into the distance. This is the one where your friends hand your “I’ll watch your child anytime” baby back to you to change. You sometimes can’t avoid getting something on your hands, and often have to throw away whatever the child is wearing to feel you have done it right. You call your spouse over to see and then proceed to team-clean as if it were an operation, with each of you asking the other to pass something ’stat’ or hold something, before finally giving up and completing operation in the shower. All three of you. Because some part of you suspects you may never feel clean again.