baby steps, episode 4: how to touch someone else’s baby
DON’T!
Don’t you ever touch someone’s baby!
Unless given specific permission, don’t do it.
Let me be more specific.
DON’T TOUCH MY BABY!
Look, I don’t know where your hands have been. You might have just come out of a public restroom and god forbid your finger broke through the thin public restroom toilet tissue when you cleaned yourself. Assuming you do that. Then when other people are in there with you, you pretend to wash your hands but it doesn’t matter cause you touched that dirty door knob on the way out. This is the stuff that runs though my mind when your smiling face approaches wanting to touch my child.
Exception: Old women CAN touch my baby. I love when old women touch my baby. The things they say are so beautiful and wise. However …old men. YOU CAN NOT TOUCH MY BABY. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. This old man tried to touch my baby at the farmers market… I saw him coming a mile away with my newly parental super powers. It wasn’t so much that he was old but he was nasty. Like he had that old man skin disease, scaly, scabby undefined old MJ thriller S#!@ all over his forearms and he tried to smile as he was reaching in. I abruptly stared into his eyes and burned his soul then I turned the baby in the other direction. His potential grope tuned into a congratulations to which I responded with a giddy school girl “thank you.”
A friend of mine told me a horror story about when her child was small, random folks would try to kiss her. I asked, what did you do? She said she told them that the baby was sick. That seemed to work. I think I’ll just go that extra mile and tell them he has baby herpes or really bad breath.
One Comment, Comment or Ping
Mimi
OK so I had an old man actually come and touch my baby recently. She was in the stroller and he came and touched her. I’m usually fast with the turn the stroller move but he was quick. I said to him, “You are not supposed to touch peoples babies. And if you want to do that you have to ask.” And I gave him the look. He said, “is the bus coming?”
I said, “I don’t know and you should not be touching peoples babies period.”
“Is the bus coming?”
“You should really listen to what I’m telling you.”
Then he distracted me by asking if my child had been christianized.
Aug 11th, 2008
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