Reflections on his first bath.
We took pictures of his first bath more as evidence to prove we were doing something loving if he started to freak out and some how slipped and hurt himself. Yes I fantasize about death. I do often now. I am constantly waking up in the middle of the night to see if he is breathing or if I somehow rolled over him.

I’ve been making a list of unrealistic fears.

Unrealistic FEAR 37 I will hold him up like they do in the tv show ‘ROOTS’ and there will inevitably be a ceiling fan in the room that hits him with a succession of thuds.

One thing the bath made me do that I haven’t done in a while is look at my body. You would think I was the pregnant one. The way I have eaten, the lack of sleep, and the constant running has taken its toll.

When people say I look like the baby, i’m beginning to think they don’t mean my face. My body looks like a giant baby. Nothing about how I look naked evokes a mood of sexy, it evokes sympathy and pity. I look helpless and cute, and not in a good way. Some one told me a gut is a sign of wealth and wisdom. I told them that somehow, when I finish drying my skin after a shower and bend over, and a half a cup of warm water comes rushing out of the tunnel where my navel used to be, I don’t feel very regal.

Let me preface the following statement by saying I’m not into wearing women’s clothing or even lappas for that matter BUT women have these things called ‘pregnancy/maternity pants’ with elastic/spandex in the front to accommodate a growing belly. I’m saying to all you designers out there: get on this idea before Americans start getting thinner.

Unrealistic fear 39 my son is bulimic. He keeps putting his fist in his mouth and throwing up.