NOT BY THE HAIRS A RETOLD TALE

BY DIRK JOSEPH
Suddenly, a great blow sent a crack in the shape of a lightening bolt down the middle of the wooden door. Startled, Piggy jumped out of his recliner, spilling chips and soda, but still clutching the remote. “Little Pig, Little Pig, Let me in!” said a voice from the other side of the door. Piggy’s eyes widened, and his jaw dropped, and artificially flavored sourcream and onion potato chip crumbs cascaded down his chinny chin chin.

“Oh god. No!” Piggy said in a trembling voice “Please go away!”

Piggy heard huffing and puffing coming from the other side of the door. He threw the remote at the door and ran to the window screaming like a small child who on their first bike ride rode over the edge of a cliff. The door crashed open sending pieces of wood bouncing into the room. Piggy had the window open and was about to climb out to the fire escape when he dared a glance back. What appeared to him to be an ominous figure strode in obscured by an entourage of black smoke that spread out like tentacles.

Faster than Piggy had ever been inspired to move, he scrambled onto the fire escape seeking the safety of his sister’s apartment one floor up. “Piggier will know what to do!” he thought as he became the first four legged creature in history to ever fall UP a set of stairs.

Piggier had just come back from the mall and was playing the new number 1 hit by “The Singing Swinging Swine Sisters” titled “Shake My Curly Tail.” She was also on the phone in a conference call with three of her girlfriends, so she didn’t hear when Piggy rapped a hoofed appendage on her window. “Listen girl, call his bluff, if it’ s not true we’ll make bacon bits out of his ass.” Piggier was talking near the top of her voice as usual. “All men are swine! Honey just come over and relax, we’ll prepare a new batch of mud.” Piggier was so loud that Piggy’s squeals remained un-noticed until he finally kicked in the window, cutting his leg.

Out of the corner of her eye Piggier saw Piggy tumble into her apartment. She dropped the phone and whirled around ready to fight. “Oh, its you.” she said. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Something is after me!” Piggy shouted, pointing to the window.
“What? Who?” Piggier ran to the window.
“I don’t know.” Piggy squealed. ” It was scary! That’ s all I can say.”

Piggier shot him a disgusted glance before looking out of the window. “That’s all you can tell me?! It was scary?” She scanned the empty fire escape, then looked again at Piggy, “There’ s nothing out there Piggy.” Piggier noticed that Piggy’s leg was bleeding. Then she saw Piggy’s face. His expression was frozen in fright. He was looking and pointing down the hallway at her front door.

Black smoke was slowly creeping in from around the doorframe.

“It’s here!” Piggy cried.

Piggier couldn’t believe her eyes “What the…”

There were three resounding bangs at the door. And the voice, “Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in!”
“Don’t worry.” said Piggier, “That door is 5 inches of solid…”

“Wham!” the blow did not crack the door, but did knock it off one of its hinges. It leaned slightly, and the dark nimbus rushed in. Piggier had Piggy on his feet and hurried him back through the window. Two more knocks sent the door crashing to the floor, but by then the two pigs were on their way up the fire escape to their brother’s penthouse apartment.

Piggiest sat contented at the computer in his home office. At arms reach was everything he needed - wine, a tray of caviar, a display monitor to keep track of his stock, and the remotes to all of the high-tech gadgets and devices of his excessively lavish home. He was wearing a virtual reality helmet and was playing “Pigs on Top: The Game of World Domination.”

All at once, a proximity warning cut off the game. Piggiest calmly removed the helmet and retrieved his revolver. The fire-escape security cameras displayed his sister and brother climbing up toward him. He activated a remote and the high-security windows opened electronically, and he beckoned them in. They related their story to their older brother, who put away his pistol in favor of a larger one. They made their way to his front door. Piggiest raised the gun and activated the security remote. The door opened to the hallway, revealing Piggiest’s private elevator, which was empty, a metal door to the roof, which was electronically sealed, and the emergency exit to the stairwell which was also electronically sealed. Piggiest lowered the gun.

“We are safe here my siblings.” said Piggiest. Then the Proximity alarm sounded again.
From speakers hidden in every room of the penthouse, an electronic voice stated “Intruder in stairwell!”

A knocking at the stairwell door made the two younger pigs take a step back. Piggiest raised the gun again. Piggy ran, limping back into the apartment saying “Oh dear, it’ s the end for us!” Piggier said, “Don’t open it yet. I’m gonna get that other gun!” and ran back into the apartment. However, Piggiest did not wait for her to come back. He activated the remote, unlocking the stairwell door.

The door to the stairwell slid open and smoke wafted into the room like a cloud of octopus ink. Piggiest heard a huffing and puffing sound. Something moved in the smoke and a solid figure dashed towards Piggiest. Piggiest waited until the figure of the wolf took shape and shouted “Not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin!” He aimed the gun and squeezed the trigger. The impact sent the wolf stumbling backwards to disappear in the darkness of the smoke. The sound of a body rolling down the steps could be heard. Piggy and Piggier peered into the hallway to see Piggiest standing in a triumphant posture. He nodded to them and blew smoke from the barrel of his gun. The pigs all gave victorious squeals. Piggy started dancing on his bleeding legs as the hallway continued to fill with smoke. They all jubilantly sang, “Not by the hairs of our chinny chin chin!” Until they were engulfed in flames and got roasted alive as the floor crumbled below them.

The wolf woke in an ambulance, fire fighters and a cheering crowd cheering him as a hero. When the alarm system malfunctioned the wolf had managed to warn everybody in the building except for three pigs. He was battered and unconscious when he rolled out of the stairwell into the lobby, but that was good, because the fire fighters saw him and pulled him out just before the building collapsed. He had a few broken bones, and they couldn’t explain what seemed like a bullet hole in his arm, but assured him he would be just fine.